Reality Check

What am I doing? What am I thinking?

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June. You kinda inspiring.

Well, a lot of things going recently, 2 wedding in a row, and there's another one next week. (Hopefully!). I made a little money recently, selling shirt, taking pictures, but still people asking.

"Di mana ko kerja?"

"Erm, saya kerja sendiri saja ni sekarang. Jual baju, part-time designer, ambil gambar...."

"Oh, siok oh... Tiada try apply mana-mana?"

But I know they didn't get it, this is my plan, I'm working on it.

My recent work, I hope they like it. I haven't told them I'm a beginner.

I bought this book with my first earning from my first wedding job.

Freelancing.. ya great.

Freelancing are fun, but I hate it when it come to income... I barely able reach my previous salary.

A month doing freelancing, most of the time I doing it at home, they email me the task, I email them the thing. I order T-Shirt from home, and I send them via Post. I kinda relaxing but I know I can't keep doing this. I seriously need to earn more!

There be another new freelance job tomorrow. I gonna do my best, it might be my 'major turning point.' Who know?

Yuhuu..

I'm back, because I'm Jobless. lol!

The choronicles of an old man's routine.

Day by day, I became more slower.
Everyday I do all the same thing, eat the same stuff.
Made my whole body full of rust and fat.

Fak I hate my current routine, it's make me feel so damn old.
I don't want to be old, no one does.

I really need a something new, that make me feel young again.

Enough of holiday.

Now please end quickly.

Polygamy.

Same old goal.

Trying to lose some kgs.

Traitor.

When I'm doing things, I easily got attracted by other things, and the old thing remain abandoned.

I used to do sport when I'm younger, I'm playing football and never stop doing it.
But I've stopped when I listened to Cobain. I started to play guitar and jam with some friend.
And I suddenly felt for art, painting, and I paint. But I never good at it.
I leaved it all behind, I've tried videography, photography, and now graphic design.

It's not that I leave it means that I dislike them, still love but less practicing.

I'm a traitor, pathetic disloyal dog. I always stop doing something for something else.
I never have a good long term commitment for something.
That's why I didn't know what I really good at.

Yes Man!

My whole 58 of potrait digital painting before decorated with some layout

Done this last week, quite tiring doing this. Spent 3 night just to satisfy the customer. My boss teach me how to say yes in everything.

The customer asked.
"Bolehkah siap dalam 3 hari?"

"Erm." I could just say no. It's imposible for such demand.

"Akak mau guna hari tu juga, mau bagi gift sama pegawai."

"Ok la, saya try la kak, tapi saya tidak janji kualiti."

I said yes and I didn't sleep for 3 damn night.

YES MAN!

Still trying.

At last I got my holiday, I considered it as holiday when it more than two days, and not at weekends.

Some friend asked me to join Persatuan Melawat Rumah Terbuka, but i refused. Well I need to prepared my portfolio for next interview, and it need a lots of work and time.

As usual, I prepared a different portfolio for different interviewee. I got a feeling that this time its gonna be a hard interview but worth it.

I got my first interview last month, I'll assume that it was a mistake.

He said that my work are too straight forward. I usually accept criticizes but not this one. He supposed to know that when it comes to designing for government, you don't have to waste your time to be such an Avante Garde, just look at RTM layout and you know what I mean.

He rejected me, but called me a month later after his designer quit.

I did got the job, but I decided to call it a day, just after a day of working. I can't get along his head, and I don't want to waste my young age. I learned a new lesson.

Your 'creative' is not necessarily my 'creative', vice versa. If its does, then it's something that people will pay for, that's is how things work.

On and On.

I'm working, but part of me still unemployed.

Everyday I woke up, I turned on the computer, checking of the availability of vacancy. I get out of the room, I open the classified section on newspaper. When I reach office, I googled the vacancy for the second time.

And it goes on and on for almost a month. Maybe I've been punished for being too picky.

Blood and Brain.

31st July, I receieve my 2nd wages after graduate. I never happy.

My friend work as a vegetarian restaurant's waiter, he earn more than mine. I am a graphic designer for crissake. I need a car to go further.

Everytime I thinking of getting a car, the newspaper, facebook started to show some horrifiying picture of car accident, and while I'm on a bus on my way to office this morning, I saw a body kneeling on the road, yes kneeling, with his head covered by newspaper and the road are splattered with blood... and brain. Probably hit by a car while crossing.

I'm trying to overcome my phobia here, goddamit.

Mundai.

9.55 a.m, saya bangun dan saya tahu saya terlewat. 9.15 pagi saya sepatutnya berada di tempat kerja. Mungkin pagi tadi saya matikan snoozer dalam keadaan separa sedar.

Namun saya masih agak releks, kerana rakan sekerja lain semuanya pernah datang lewat. Dua bulan saya bekerja, saya tak pernah ponteng walau sehari.

Lalu kusumbat earphone dan mulakan playlist. Bas bergerak agak perlahan ketika ini, I seriously need a car. Fuck mini bus!

Satu SMS diterima.

"Kamu di mana?" Kata bos wanita.

Tenang saya mereply, "Maybe saya lambat sedikit, pemandu bas masih berak, celaka betul dia!"

"Hahaha! Budu ko ni!" Balas bosku.

Sedikit humor menjadi penyelamat isninku.

Sandpaper.

It's been a busy day for me, 6 days of working, a day of sleeping.

Felt so rusty, my skills, my passion, all not been practice anymore. I used to be an enthusiast person. I posted every work I've done and wait for the response.

Uninspired has been my excuses, well it's a stupid excuses I have to admit.

All the ugly shall be remove soon, and a golden layer will be painted onto it.

Stupid.

Two offers. I've rejected both offer worth 1.6K of salary per month. Call me stupid. Well the offer came from KL and I hate the place. Yeah, it might a good place for vacation, but not for living. It's no place for me. The place is like underwater and which got nice view and you wish you could live there but you just couldn't because you'll be dead if you do so. Okay, maybe it just me.

Well, maybe I still think that there's other similar job here.

I've sent my resume to a few company, I hoping to get positive response soon.

Not enough.

Almost all my friend are employed now, Chief Designer, Production Design, Interior Designer, Sales Manager, Conceptual Designer. What a position. But they deserve it, I really proud of them.

I still not ready, I fail to fulfill some of the requirement, still fail to 'possess any transportation', I hate limitation.

I'm employed, I've earn my first wages, but it's not what I deserve. I've spent my 3 friggin year for this. This is just not enough.

Yeah, of course I enjoyed it, but when I began to get tired, I started to questioning myself.

Is it worth it? Seriously? For the sake of joy?

Customer.

A customer came into the shop where I work at.

"Dik, sini boleh buat gambar untuk batu nisan tuh."

My idiot pal confidently answered, "Boleh, tapi harga ikut kuantiti, brapa banyak kakak mau?'


and I laughed to death.

Stuck.

My routine was full of clicking. From 9 am to 8 am everyday except sunday. I starting to get bored with this, but I have no choice, I'm running out of dough.

No picture left to post. My creative flow stuck. My eyes can't see the aesthetic, my soul fail to produce the passion. Tomorrow I'll find an ear phone, need to feed myself with some fast beat to create the spark.

Poor blogs, now the chinese spammers are the only visitors.

Seek.

Some are ambitious, some seeking for joy, some seeking for future.
and some wait, and they didn't seek, because they not sure of the existence.


will be 23 in couple of month, but still fail to make any difference.